Your "Proverbs 31 Woman"

Proverbs 20:6

Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?

We often hear much about the "Proverbs 31 woman" - how needed she is for a man, how we are to look for such a wife or how our wives are to be such a woman.  She is partly described in verse 10 of chapter 31 as being hard to find -"A wife of noble character who can find?"  Who wouldn't want to have a wife like the one described there? 

Maybe she would be easier to come home to than... 

Maybe she would be easier to discuss matters with than....

Maybe she would be more supportive of you, making you more....

You know, maybe she would.  Maybe you would be better if you had her in your life.  But like Aslan said in The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, "We may never know what would have been."  You can complain about how you aren't able to do what you need to do as a man because your wife doesn't match the description of the one in Proverbs 31.  You can be angry with her because she isn't that woman.  You can be upset because you can't find such a woman to marry.  But let me ask you a question.  Do you match the description of the faithful man described in Scripture?  After all, he is "hard to find" as well.  

It is always easier to blame other people for the place we find ourselves, whether it be a financial state, a job, a church situation or even in our marital strife (arguments or other problems).  But the hard thing - the biblical thing - is to see what role we play in the problem. We can wonder why our wife isn't such a person and blame her for the situation we are in, or we can choose, by God's grace and the power of the Holy Spirit, to be the faithful man that is hard to find.  

Let's ask ourselves, "What role do I play in my wife becoming more like the 'Proverbs 31 woman'?"  

Like Proverbs 20:6 says, we may claim to have unfailing love but am I really faithful?  According to St. Augustine in his book City of God, hate isn't the opposite of love - selfishness is the opposite of love.  We need to be less focused on what "I need" and be more attuned to what our wives need.  To have unfailing love we need to be less selfish, less aware of ourselves and our needs, less demanding, not as ready to blame, less taking...we need to be more about her.  We need to do what the biblical, faithful man does in Ephesians 5:25 where we are commanded, "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church, and came and gave himself up for her to make her holy..."  If we claim to have unfailing love, let us love like Christ and give ourselves up for her...making her holy.  If we want our wives to be more like the "Proverbs 31 woman" we need to FIRST be more like the "Proverbs 20:6 man."  

I thank God that I have a wife that is like, and becomes more like, the "Proverbs 31 woman" all the time.  I have (slowly) come to realize that the times where I have wanted to complain about Lynn not being more "Proverbs 31-like" are the times where I haven't loved her like she needs, where I have claimed to have unfailing love but haven't, and where I haven't given myself up for her, but have been harsh, needy, demanding or selfish.

So men, let me challenge you (and myself).  When we want our wives to be more of what we need, more of what God intends them to be, let us first look at ourselves and see where we are not being what they need.  

(Thank you, Lynn, for being what I need!)

Paul

Love, Fear & Pizza

Have you ever noticed how, in movies and sitcoms, it's difficult for a couple to say, "I love you" for the first time, especially to be the first one to say it?  You typically see the recipient of the words squirm and reply with something like "Yeah, me too." 

Maybe this awkward situation is true to your life.  In your relationship with your SO (significant other), you experienced the near fear of saying this phrase for the first time or it took you, like it did me, a few minutes for the words to actually come out of your mouth.  

Why is it that saying, "I love you" to someone is such a difficult thing?  Is it something about that particular combination of consonants and vowels?  Maybe there is something about the phonetics of this phrase.  You know, like how Ron Weasley had spells backfire by not enunciating correctly.  

If it is something about the phrase itself, then why do we find it so easy to say "I love" pizza?  I mean, after all I do love some Salvatore's pizza!  Or, "I love" Dreamland ribs or a good steak?  Or "I love" my new puppy or my car? 

Why can it be so hard to say "I love you" to another person?  It has to be because of the implications of such a phrase.  To say "I love you" about pizza simply conveys a pleasurable feeling we have about pizza.  To say "I love you" to another person carries far more weight.  It isn't simply conveying a feeling about a person.  If it were simply about a feeling then we wouldn't have this fear associated with saying it.  

To say "I love you" to a person carries with it responsibility and commitment.  It carries with it an openness and vulnerability.  When someone claims to love someone you expect that their life and actions show this - it is more than how a person feels about another.  When a friend tells you about the abusive relationship she is in and follows it with "but he says he loves me," you don't believe that man loves her and you wonder how she can be so deceived.  When you hear about someone having and affair and they reply "yes, I did sleep with that person, but I love you," you don't believe that there is love there.  Love doesn't do such things.

You expect that when a person loves another, they will demonstrate their love through things like kindness, service, protection, placing priority on that person, listening to that person, etc.  We know that when we tell someone we love them then we are essentially committing ourselves to that person and to live these things out. What we fear when we say "I love you" is that that we won't be able to follow through with this commitment or that they won't return the same. 

1 John 4:18-19 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us."

There is such security in knowing that you are loved, in seeing love in the people around you.  Many different studies have shown that one of the most influential factors in a child's development in regards to feelings of security and confidence is the child knowing that his/her mom and dad love each other.  You can see the truth in this by the opposite being exemplified.  More and more people are foregoing marriage for cohabitation out of a distrust of marriage and fear of divorce.  More and more kids are filled with insecurity and doubts about themselves, love, God...  

But enough about psychologies and philosophies - what about you?  What fear and insecurity do you have?  Is it about your abilities, your looks, your short-comings, your place in life, your finances, your spouse, your children, your parenting...?  

Before you try to hide your insecurities and shortcomings as Adam and Eve did in the Garden, like we all still do, before you try to build your strengths and minimize your weaknesses, ask yourself this question, "have I received the love of God in this area?"  Have you let God make you perfect in love?  Not perfect in ability, or without fault, but made perfect in love.  When you know you are loved, especially in the face of your insecurities, that is when fear leaves.  That is when confidence comes.  

Acknowledge your fear, confess it to God and receive His love - then you will be perfect, knowing He loved you first.

P

Why Can’t I Pray When I Want To? [OR] Why Don’t I Feel Like Praying When I Know I Should?

By: Paul Barnett

Then and Now

If you are like me, then you love to pray.  You have had times where you have enjoyed the Father’s presence or heard Him clearly, times where He has answered prayers (in a desirable way), and times where you have pressed through though you felt or heard nothing.  Praying is not typically your struggle—you love talking with your Father, even during the times when you felt like you were in a “dry place” or hearing nothing you prayed.

So why is it that now, at this time, you, like me, can’t seem to pray?  You set aside a time and you want to, or at least you want to want to.  You assume your “prayer position,” Bible out, ready to begin but nothing comes out.  You can’t seem to press through this time.  You don’t have un-repented sin and it isn’t that you don’t know the importance of prayer or even that you don’t want to pray – you just can’t.

Get Real

At times like this I have found that I’m probably not being real with myself or with God. 

God doesn’t want our pleasantries or proprieties.  These are not needed to show Him the reverence He deserves.  In fact, at times, these may get in the way of our affection for Him. 

Contrary to popular opinion, this is actually a good place to be, provided we respond in the right way.  It is from this place that you are positioned best to go to a new and deeper place in your prayer life.

The reality is that I can’t pray because, in part, I don’t believe what I am saying.  Not that I don’t agree with it theologically, but that it isn’t what is in my heart.  When I begin to say what I “should say” or what I typically say in my prayers, my words betray my heart.  My heart and mind are in two different places.  I am distracted, preoccupied, and far too aware of what I am feeling.

If you are in this place then you can most definitely pray, just not the way you may be accustomed to.  I have found it helpful to firstaddress Him.  This is the first step to getting your “prayer mojo” back.  Tell Him and yourself who He is: Good, LORD, Father, Faithful, Love, Truth, The Way, Friend, Savior, Healer…  Remind yourself of who you are talking to, to see Him as preeminent to your situation or your feelings (or lack thereof).  Next, confess.  Be honest.  Tell Him exactly how or what you feel, even if what you feel is in direct opposition to how you just addressed God.  When you are in this place, you need to be real and honest about what you are feeling—don’t keep up pretenses!  Lastly, profess.  You have declared who He is, shared exactly what you feel, and so now, proclaim the truth – choose to believe what God says about your feelings and your situation.  Declare that even though you feel this way, you are choosing to believe the truth of Scripture and the promise He made by His Spirit.

Learn Your Lessons

Getting real is closely associated with learning your lessons.  Sometimes difficulty in prayer is because our Father wants a good thing for us that we aren’t receiving.  Matthew 7:9-11 says:  “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”  I have had a tough time praying before because I was praying for the wrong thing(s) and wasn’t aware of how or where God was working in my life and so I became exhausted.  In fact, I have been in a place like this for a couple of weeks now, and it all came to a “breaking point” just last week. 

We all know that God is our Provider.  We believe this.  It’s easy to believe this while things are well in our lives – we aren’t worrying about money or we feel content in enjoying the blessings of our Provider.  However, when times are tight, we (or at least I) may still confess Him as Provider, but I don’t enjoy this position.  In fact, I would rather be able to make enough to provide for myself, enjoy comfort, and casually give a token acknowledgement that my ability to work comes from Him. 

In my times of struggling with prayer and Scripture reading lately, I have come to realize that I haven’t been receiving the good thing that my Father in Heaven has been trying to give me.  God has provided for us in amazing ways, and even though I know that, we have been far from my idea of comfortable.  In this, whether from frustration over not getting what I think I need or want, or from lack of trust, I have come, once again, to this place of not being able to pray.  I thought I knew what I needed, trying in vain to obtain it.  All the while, God was trying to give me what I truly needed – more of Himself (the Holy Spirit).  God wants me to not only know that He IS Provider, but to know Him ASProvider.  He wants me to find joy and comfort in Him as Provider, and not only in the provisions He gives.  I have not enjoyed my time in this place nor have I enjoyed Him in this place.  We must learn that long before God will move miraculously to get me to a more comfortable place, He will move miraculously in me so that I know Him more and become more like Him.  The point of this life is not comfort – it’s to know Him and be made like Him.

God, help us to get real and receive the good You are working in us.  Help us to grow in our prayer life and come to the place where we, once again, can pray and enjoy You.  Amen.